• Scrambled Toast
• It Came from Allen’s Brain
• Mattress Police
• Life in M-Town

The elation of being awarded ANYTHING, much less something that included the word “thinking”, was soon replaced by suspicion and then outright paranoia. Don’t get me wrong, we at CU are certainly proud of our cynical, infrequent, and often infantile posts. Our charter to create a place for all disgruntled and disenfranchised employees worldwide is noble. The suspicion resulting from kudos is from the knowledge that the execution of our charter is lackluster…at best.

I took some time to review the other blogs receiving the award…and was humbled. Each site had a different flavor, but they all shared a common theme of well-constructed, mature (not is a dirty way), and often insightful posts. In contrast, Chogeys United’s content is defined by putting forth the least amount of effort and thought required to avoid plagiarism and get a chuckle from curious onlookers.

That being said, we appreciate the award!

Source: Webtown

The fluorescent lights flicker, tentatively crackling at first, but then sputtering into full brilliance. The gentle humming marks and pale, color-draining light marks the beginning of the day in our office ecosystem.

There is little activity as most of the workplace dwellers are either still asleep, strengthening their bodies in vain preparation for challenging the Alpha, or securing precious caffeine to heighten their senses against ruthless predators.

The workplace is not completely devoid of life, however. A lone inhabitant leisurely plods through the cube mazes with a confidence (or apathy) that has been earned by years of tracking the patterns of smarter, faster, and stronger office dwellers. This hulking beast, clad in too-tight shirts, polyester pants, and clip-on ties, is the “Fogey”.

The “Fogey” is an interesting chogey sub-class and an enigma to science. By all measurable traits, the “Fogey” is the easiest prey in the office. They are typically overweight, plodding, and frequently announce their position with hacks, snorts, and other sundry expulsions. And yet, the “Fogey” is defined by their age and tenure in the office. There are two prevailing theories as to the survivability of the “Fogey”.

The Tainted Mojo Theory: This theory states that the office predators (especially the “Evil Oppressors”) avoid the “Fogey” out of fear that its taint of failure and mediocrity will somehow be transferred to them if they come into contact. Evil Oppressors typically use lower-ranking members of its pack (i.e. middle management) to isolate “Fogeys” through assigning menial tasks that preclude any interaction with others. This theory also explains the origin of Accounting/Finance. This theory is the most widely accepted…with the only opposition coming from those in Accounting/Finance.

The No-Mercy Theory: Another popular theory is that office predators consider taking down a “Fogey” as an act of mercy. While not as popular as the Tainted Mojo Theory, this theory has some compelling supporting evidence. First, it is universally accepted that office predators (especially Evil Oppressors) are not only completely devoid of mercy, but often go to great lengths in tormenting their prey over an extended period of time. Further, the “Fogey”‘s torment is usually spread out over years and by several predators. This theory suggests that the “Fogey” torment is almost an heirloom or birthright passed down several generations of Evil Oppressors. This theory is certainly worthy of more study.

While research into the survivability of the “Fogey” is making progress, little is known about the early lives of “Fogeys”. It is known that “Fogeys” evolve from another chogey sub-class…but no one has been able to map this evolution with any accuracy. Until more is know, ALL chogeys must be vigilant against getting on the road to fogeydom.

Description: The primary role of the “Bogey” is to distract management attention away from the activities of the pack. While the root causes elude scientists, Bogeys typically receive immediate attention by Predatorial Management upon introduction to the environment. Common characteristics include an inability to use PowerPoint effectively, fix “PC LOAD LETTER” errors, or remember the difference between Venti Skim Machiatos and Double-Shot Grande Lattes.

Regardless of the source of their problems, the bumblings of Bogeys allow other Chogeys to focus on their work within the community. The lifespan of a Bogey is comparatively brief…but their sacrifice is crucial for the survival of The Pack.

This guy has taken Beer Goggles from “concept” to “reality”. I’m thinking Nobel Prize…

Instead of engaging in what would have UNDOUBTEDLY been riveting conversation, I sat dumbfounded and tried to think of a response that was equally as meaningless. I remained silent, unable to maintain the verbal volley…and the phrase “Looks like someone has a case of the MUN-days” ran through my thoughts like some demented do-loop. When I finally found my mental CTRL-Z, I started wondering why meaningful and sincere conversation was being replaced by a haphazardly-weaved tapestry of buzzwords and cliches.

I don’t profess to have the answer and I am honest enough to enter a “guilty” plea when it comes to avoiding an honest exchange that dares to dig deeper than the last article I read in some trade rag. Sharing original thoughts and opinions requires actually HAVING them…of building a foundation of understanding and then taking the time to create something new. Who has the time for that when it’s far simpler to parrot others?

The realization hit me as I got up(pretending to take an important phone call) and relocated to a position that afforded me the solitude required for such Big Head Thinking. The Meaningless Exchange (ME) feeds the basic, human need for interaction while completely shielding us from accountability, criticism, and challenges presented by opposing views. Hell, who is going to argue with something that came from “The Economist”…even if it’s taken completely out of context and horribly misquoted? The odds are in favor that the unfortunate recipient of said outburst isn’t the author, has read the article, or is even remotely interested (much less informed) on the topic at hand.

We nod politely, utter some inane response like “Hmmm…that’s interesting” or “I think I read that somewhere”, and may even respond with some re-manufactured tid-bit that stretches that standards of relevance. Doing so put us in full compliance with the unspoken Accord of Professional Smalltalk. Our egos remain intact and we can add another tick to our networking tally. The only casualty is another missed opportunity to step out of the “comfort zone”, learn something new. and momentarily shed the facade most of us put up when we have to wear our “grown up” clothes.

This insight was cut short when the gate agent announced the commencement of pre-boarding for preferred passengers and those requiring additional assistance with boarding. As I queued up with the rest of “Seating 2″, Khaki-Man and I shared the obligatory raised eyebrow acknowledgment and silently boarded the plane. Focused on the availability of overhead space, we are saved from thoughts of what could have been.

It would be easy (and probably accurate) to attribute this to simple laziness…but a real chogey is never content with placing blame inwardly. Laziness and a complete lack of follow-through are not simply character flaws, but rather symptoms of a disease spread by crappy jobs, idiot bosses, and days filled with performing inane tasks.

Unfortunately, this disease has received virtually no attention from the established medical community. While the cure remains elusive, many chogeys report temporary relief by engaging in group therapy (i.e. happy hours), subtle workplace subversion (i.e. gossip), and avoiding any activity that is even remotely productive.

We here at CU will try our hardest to not let this affliction get the best of us. While the quality and frequency of our posts may be sub-par when compared to sites featuring cute animal pictures (link)…please keep in mind we’re fighting a much nobler battle. =o)

A common definition of a martyr is one who suffers (and often dies) for the sake of principle. On the surface, there is a pretty big upside to the whole martyrdom gig. The A-List martyrs typically secure a place in history, are prime candidates for sainthood (if they’re Christian), and usually are sold a pretty sweet setup in the afterlife (72 virgins, anyone).

Also, martyrs commonly don’t have to worry about when and how they are going to die. That is a pretty big source of stress for most people. Not martyrs, though. I mean, we ALL die ANYWAY…so why not go out with a bang (or crackle if you’re Joan of Arc) and be remembered throughout history? Sure, most martyrs would probably agree that it can get a little nasty and uncomfortable towards the end…but a place in history doesn’t come easy…unless, of course, you are a steroid-enhanced professional athlete getting ready to break some inane record.

Before you run out and grab that can of accelerant, consider the downsides of martyrdom. First, you almost HAVE to die–often in a horrific and terribly painful way–to be considered a martyr. Second, advances in abnormal psychology have created a pretty substantial “grey area” for the whole God-spoke-to-me thing. I don’t know about you, but I’d consider giving the meds a chance…just to make damn sure it was GOD talking to me and not bad brain chemistry. Finally, martyrdom is usually a one-shot deal that leaves in a less-than-desirable negotiation position. A charred corpse doesn’t have much leverage.

All things considered, martyrdom’s uncertain rewards, small margin of acceptable error, and gruesome end probably make it a worse job than yours.